Posted on June 7, 2019
Funny To A Point – Answering E3’s Biggest Questions
The lead up to E3 is always fraught with leaks and speculation, much of which raises more questions than answers. Luckily, I’ve got a secret weapon against the guesswork: I’m not going to E3 this year, so I don’t care!
This year I graciously volunteered to be on Game Informer’s E3 home team, where I’ll be providing insightful and downright spicy livestream commentary in a rotating crew that includes Dan “like and subscribe” Tack, Kyle “I need a haircut” Hilliard, Jeff “the other white meat” Cork, and of course Leo “I’m so f—ing funny it makes my other co-workers jealous” Vader.
Being on the home team is still a ton of work, but it also comes with some perks; I get to go home to my wife every night instead of a hotel room with Cork (she snores less…ish), and my commute is mercifully LAX-free. Most importantly, however, I didn’t have to worry about scheduling a million E3 appointments, dealing with tight-lipped publishers (you’re making video games, not working at the Pentagon!), or really pay much attention at all to E3 rumors running up to the show.
My blissful ignorance is your gain – because I have no investment in the show, I’m more than happy to answer all the questions surrounding E3 2019. Let’s get started!
Will Microsoft debut a new console at this year’s E3?
Seeing as how Sony won’t be there to ridicule them this time, I’d put good money on it. I wouldn’t actually spend that money on the console though, mind you.
Will Microsoft show off the next Halo at E3?
They only have two IPs anyone cares about, so I sure hope so!
Will Microsoft show off a new Fable game?
That’s the other IP!
What about Gears 5?
Oh yeah, that’s still a thing too, huh? That’s gotta be there.
Will Microsoft bring a new Forza to E3?
Try and stop them! Seriously, please try.
Will Nintendo announce a new Zelda, Metroid, or Mario at E3?
100 percent…unless it’s one of those lame Yoshi off-years.
Will Nintendo announce new characters coming to Super Smash Bros. Ultimate?
I’m pretty sure it already has every video game character ever made, so no.
Will the new Animal Crossing be shown in playable form?
If you consider decorating your dumb house and talking to annoying animals “playable,” then yes.
Will Reggie Fils-Aimé make an appearance in Nintendo’s E3 Direct?
I know it’s hard, but you have to let Reggie go now. He’s in a better place.
Will Nintendo announce a new Pokémon, but this time the Pokémon are catching the humans and it gets real weird and erotic inside the Pokéballs?
Please god, YES.
Even though they’re skipping the show, will Sony make any surprise announcements during E3?
Despite the fact that they’ve got great games in the works and the press would eat it up?
You’re just setting yourself up for disappointment now.
But what if the whole skipping E3 thing was just a ruse to catch people off gua–
Sony isn’t playing 4D chess – they just don’t care!
Will Kojima at least post some kind of cryptic Death Stranding tweet?
Actually, that sounds exactly like the kind of annoying thing he’d do.
After a decade of COD haters complaining that Activision makes “the exact same game every year,” they have literally titled the new game Call of Duty: Modern Warfare again and now everyone is happy for some reason!
I couldn’t figure out how to make this one a question, but seriously guys, what the hell?!
What else does Activision even make any more?
Money. Next question.
Will Respawn’s new Star Wars game be cool?
It’s hard to screw up Star Wars. Unless you’re DICE.
Will EA’s Apex Legends stream be worth watching?
Not if you don’t play Apex Legends.
Do I have to watch the Madden and FIFA streams?
Hey, hey, hey – the studios who create those games put as much time and work into them as any other developer, and just because they may fall out of your personal interest doesn’t mean they deserve any less respect or appreciation for their efforts. Not to mention the fact that they are two of the only triple-A franchises that don’t involve blasting other people’s faces off with guns, and instead promote positive competitive play in real-life sports that support an active and healthy lifestyle. But no, you don’t have to watch them.
Will BioWare announce a Mass Effect trilogy remaster?
The thing fans have wanted for years and would make them forget about Anthem’s myriad problems while also raking in a ton of cash? Why would they do a thing like that?
Is the rumored From Software/George R.R. Martin game real?
At this point Martin will do anything to avoid finishing his stupid dragon books, so probably.
Will Ubisoft announce a new Ghost Recon game at E3?
They already did that. It’s called Breakpoint.
Will Ubisoft announce a new Watch Dogs game at E3?
They did that too. They are really bad at E3ing.
Is there any possible way for Ubisoft to make updates to Rainbow Six Siege and The Division 2 seem worthy of E3 press conference time?
Will Bethesda reveal any more information about The Elder Scrolls VI or Starfield during their E3 press conference?
If by “Elder Scrolls VI” you mean “Elder Scrolls Blades” and by “Starfield” you mean “Fallout 76,” then yes and yes!
Will Bethesda torture viewers with another totally unnecessary musical act?
They’ve got to fill time somehow!
Will The Doom Eternal demo go on way too long?
Unless you’re still really into blowin’ up demons to heavy metal, yes.
Will we see Wolfenstein: Youngblood?
If you’re still awake!
Will everyone just be talking about Cyberpunk 2077 all week again?
And its gratuitous use of the c-word?
Will Square Enix show off its continuously leaked Avengers game?
I’d bet Moldynerd’s Hammer on it!
How about the Final Fantasy VII remake?
I’m pretty sure that’s not an actual thing.
Will Shenmue III be there?
Again, these are games that only exist in fans’ imaginations and will never actually come to fruition.
What are the odds Planet Zoo will win Game of the Show?
Count on it.
Will Capcom announce 100 new Resident Evil games?
Yes, but they’ll all be remasters of the first one.
Will THQ Nordic surprise-release a new TimeSplitters during the show?
If they don’t, I’ll be supremely PISSED.
Will Remedy Entertainment announce a new peripheral that let’s you control Control with your MIND?
How do you think I’m typing out these questions right now? (With my mind.)
Will Mario Maker 2 make America great again?
I think that’s going to be a separate DLC pack.
But seriously, if Sony registered under a different company name and timed its big reveal with the opening of the show flo–
GIVE IT UP!